PG£ on Breakfast Cereals:

'There's nothing wrong with Cornflakes - but I don't eat them very often...'

PG£ on Music Writers and Music Writing:

'I'm the ONLY music writer who doesn't spend all day in North London boozers, talking to my own, about how I saw John Lennons first gig and knew THEN that he was gonna be a star...!!!'

PG£ on Organising Oneself:

'Don't put off till tomorrow what you should have done a week last Thursday...'

PG£ on Written People:

'Why is it that Literary Agents & Publishing talent scouts only ever manage to identify the toply talented writers 13 years after they're dead...??? '

PG$ on America:

'My Official Ex-Wife is a fashion designer in Hollywood and I like The Grand Canyon - but I have BIG trouble getting past the bouncers on the doors...'

PG£ on Alcohol:

'Alcohol PROTECTS MENS HEARTS!!!'

PG£ on Domestic Chores:

'Don't wash the dishes in the mistaken belief that it'll be the last thing your girlfriend demands of you that day...'

PG£ on Musicians:

'I can't think of anything worse than having music in your head all day everyday...'

PG£ on his ideal home:

'It's a pink Wendy House...

It's supposed to be my daughters, but I've taken to spending time in it..

It's warm, has nice cushions and always gives me new ideas....'

PG£ on Himself:

'Essentially, I'M A DRUNK INOPPORTUNE IAN CURTIS IN A ZEBRA SKINNED BAR...!!'

PG£ on spending time with other writers:

'Sometimes I think I should do more of it, but as I get close to thinking about it, the whole idea appals me beyond all reasonibility...

I get these murderous feelings for them - like:

I WANT TO STAB THEM IN THE HEAD!!!!'

PG£ on Death:

'I'm planning on dying at the age of 69 of either arsehole cancer, or as the result of a 'Crime Of Passion...

PG£ on Success:

'You know you're doing well, when you can proove beyond test and all reasonable doubt that something that doesn't exist and/or isn't real - is.....'

PG£ on his Housewifes Job At Tescos:

'I LIKE TO WEAR MY UNIFORM IN IT'S ENTIRITY EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK!!!

I EVEN LOVE TO WEAR MY NAME BADGE!!!

Thing is, a lot of people judge me on my paid employment only- and I don't like to disappoint...

PG£ on Barbeques:

'WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THIS BARBEQUE THING ALL ABOUT???

WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE SUDDENLY DECIDES THAT THE BEST THING TO DO ONCE THE SUN COMES OUT, IS TO FIRE UP SOME CHEAP CHARCOAL AND START TOASTING MEAT UNTIL IT'S BLACKENNED???

WHAT'S WRONG WITH OVENS AND TOASTERS ALL OF A SUDDEN???

WHY NOT JUST HAVE A SANDWICH OR A PASTA SALAD COOKED ON A BLOODY STOVE???

I BLAME AUSTRALIA!!!'

PG£ on UK Political Devolution:

'I thought it was A BIG OLD WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY!!

Yes boss, creating unnecessary layers of government is a recipe for granting yet another bunch of gerrymandering politicians an oar into peoples pockets and lives...

I mean seriously - if you're Scottish, you now have Local Government Councilors, a Scottish Assembly MP, a UK MP and a EUROPEAN MP all prevaricating over your business and thinking they know what's best...

And all of these overblown self important parasites have to justify their jobs and expense accounts by continually making up problems - and then solving them...'

PG£ on 'The Afterlife':

'IS MICHAEL JACKSON SITTING ON SANTAS KNEE???'

PG£ on The Smoking Ban

'The way everyone accepted that like it was gospel was and remains truly disturbing...

FUCK THAT SHIT!!!

I expected folk to have bigger balls, but once again I was disappointed...

I don't even smoke anymore, and now I can't be arsed with pubs anymore...

IN...COAT!!!! AND OUT.......AND IN...... AND COAT OUT!!!

BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS!!!'

PG£ On Film

'I'm not a great lover of film...

And I used to take great pleasure in saying that, when I worked in film as an extra, actor, runner, general dogsbody and art departmenteer...'

PG£ on Basic Mathematics:

'I've never understood why 1+1 isn't 11....'

PG£ on Publicity:

'PUBLICITY ISN'T ABOUT HIDING YOUR IMAGE IN A SACK!!! IT'S ABOUT PUMPING IT INTO PEOPLES FACES!!!'

PG£ on Hope:

'By all means, give me hope - but please don't attach a politician....'

PG£ on a Good Day:

'Mayo delivered the parcels and told me he had no doubt I was going to be rich...

'Tell that to her' I said pointing at Mrs Giovanni..

'He's got that look of being rich..' Mayo told Mrs G 'Can't you see it???

Mrs G shook her head..

'There's a guy on the top floor who's incredibly rich....Him and Paul have got exactly the same look - Paul will be rich one day...

''Who is this rich guy on the top floor??' Mrs G asked...'

PG£ on People:

'I suffer an astonishing and stupid duality when it comes to humanity...

On the one hand I adore everything human - and on the other I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE!!!

A big part of this is down to proximity...

Yes boss, people from a wonderful distance that I can watch and observe are GREAT!!!

People up close making demands are way too much...'

PG£ on The Team:

'There's no K in team....'

PG£ on his Staff:

'People think my 12 man Private Staff is a work of fiction, but they all exist...

Of course some of them do FUCK ALL work, but they all definitely exist and - at some point or another - have agreed that they work for me....'

PG£ on Radiohead:

'It's my absolute honest to gods opinion that in a hundred or so's years time, when our childrens childrens children are working 14 hour days in sweatshops to supply cheap goods to China, people will play OK Computer and PISS THEIR PANTS LAUGHING!!!! at the idea that such sounds were made and enjoyed in their Great Great Grandparents peak boomtime...'

PG£: On his place 'Outside of the Outsiders':

'Without any intent or effort on my part, I've become the written John Rambo...

Yes boss, I've tried playing the game and tried to fit into writers circles, but I always find myself on the outside..

So nowadays I do things with my rules and my rules only and TO HELL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES!!! '

PG£ on Takeaway Food:

'The whole Takeaway Food Business could be wiped out in a week if only people were better organised...'

PG£ on The Art & Science Of Being An Arsehole:

'Like Mr Ryanair, I take a certain pride in being perveied as a complete online shouty bitch CUNT BASTARD!!!

I like to annoy as many people as possible and ruffle the feathers of the other writers and the underground and bands and managers, and my readers and Tom and all of them....

Why do I do it??

For the same reason that Mr RyanAir does...

BECAUSE IN THE LONG TERM IT PAYS!!!'

PG£ on The Literary Underground:

'Can anyone explain to me why the literary underground have NO FUCKING SENSE OF HUMOUR???'

PG£ on The Police:

'You always have to treat them like you're doing your absolute level best to help them out...

NEVER EVER SHOUT AT THEM!!!

Tell them everything you can without incriminating yourself or important others, and make them feel like they're GREAT folk doing an admirable and hard job...'

PG£ On Work:

'I applied to do a medical trial for a schizophrenia drug, but I didn't pass screening - they said my brain wasn't normal...I took that as a compliment - but I could have done with the £3000....'

PG£ On Social Networking:

'In many senses, the internet and social networks in particular have defined what I do and how I present my work...

Problem is, I nearly always turn up as the cork has hit the ceiling...

One network, I'm gonna be in there from the off... '

PG£ On Work:

'I applied to do a medical trial for a schizophrenia drug, but I didn't pass screening..

The Doctor said my brain wasn't normal...

I took that as a compliment....but I could have done with the £3000....'

PG£ on his Charity Work:

'My charity work is VERY VERY IMPORTANT to me....

Yes bosses, I don't like to talk about the VAST SUMS I GENEROUSLY DONATE to charity - but I DO DONATE THEM VERY VERY GENEROUSLY.....!!!'

PG£ on Reality TV:

'The main problem with the TV series Big Brother is it's all about a house full of people trying desperately hard TO DO SOMETHING when there's nothing interesting to do...

I find that kind of caper to be VERY VERY boring to watch....

I also dislike the people they put inside the BB house...

Yes boss, i f it were down to me, I'd fill the BB house with the 23 craziest people I could find...

I'd deprieve them of food, booze and drugs and give them nothing at all to do...'